Sunday, March 4, 2012


That's it, gluten.  This is your stop.

I am continuing on without you.

Sure, that test came back years ago telling me you weren't a problem.  But the more I read, the more nefarious I understand you are.  You may not trigger the test results against you, but you can still cause a world of problems.  And don't think I didn't notice that the problems people claim you cause are myriad--from skin issues to digestive problems (duh) to weight gain to weight loss to depression to migraines to immunity problems.  And these are just the biggies.  But they were always too widespread, too catch-all for me.  I'd read enough to find that many people who seem to have a problem just lay it on you, gluten.

Which is why I waited so long.

That and that I never felt it was a good time.  So much of who I am is eating, trying new things, indulging without restraint when it comes to what I ingest.  But I have finally decided to take a new route.  But not one that will diverge too terribly from my old one.  And maybe that's why I decided to finally go for it.

Wait, but first I will tell you what I hope to gain, you old bugger.

I am sick all of the time.  I have a cold/sinus infection every other month.  I say this assuredly because I can count back every month-and-a-half and tell you when my having a cold put a real damper on a party or a visit or some other thing that I would have been into had I not felt I'd been run over by a truck.  Sure, I'm not a teenager anymore... nor am I 80 years old, which is how I feel for about a week every other month.  Hey gluten, that is bullshit, plain and simple.  My primary doctor and my ENT can find nothing real wrong with me.  I take my vitamin C and probiotics and have tried lots of other homeopathic immune-boosters.  But maybe it's you?  If asked to describe myself these days, the word "immunocompromised" is at the top of this list.  And that's not fair.

The other part of it is the digestive problems.  Sure, I've got a "funny tummy" or what big-people describe as IBS.  It's become borderline embarrassing these days. Oh, the noises!  I want to wear a t-shirt that says, "I promise, that noise did not just come from my butt."  Because it often sounds like they do!  (Ha-ha, gluten.)  But really, it's just funny digestive noises.  I swear it!  (OK, that's not all it is, but that's all I will discuss here.)  Lots of the fun of IBS is finding what triggers it by limiting your diet until you find the catalyst.  (This is not actually fun at all, you realize.)  And, yeah, there's been lots of finger pointing at you, gluten, so why not start here?

But what really made me OK to do this, to cut you out of my life and to start today?  There are so many foods I CAN eat!  Like, macarons!  Hey gluten, macarons are super-awesome and delicious--WITHOUT YOU!  And so is steak tartare.  And frites.  And any fish.  And any vegetable.  And eggs!  And quinoa.  And rice.  And Swedish meatballs.  Really, the biggest bugaboo is bread.  And that's just because I've been lazy.  But it's just as easy to find a salad for lunch.  Or sushi.  Or a magret de canard and some damn mashed potatoes.  Oh, and cheese.  I can eat cheese, did I mention that?

So gluten, this is where you get off.  I'm taking control of my diet.  I'm limiting my choices, and I'm going to eat more fruits and vegetables.  Am I going to miss sandwiches?  And regular pizza?  And not thinking about what I order?  At least at first.  But hopefully I will see enough benefit not to regret it.